E02 2023 – Unf*ck Your Anger

with Faith G Harper

Faith G Harper is a counsellor, therapist, hypnotherapist.

Anger is normal and there to give you an important message. Are you listening?

9 anger triggers

life threatening– fight for your lie.

insult, disrespect – when we perceive disruption of social order, who threatens our status

family – we will all protect our family

-environment– we are all wired to protect our territory

mate – in order to have children, build a legacy we need a mate. It is natural to want to protect your mate.

order in society – our survival is interdependent on social order, social system. People who rock the boat trigger a fear response=they 

resources – humans will go to great lengths to protect their resources

tribe – people will protect their people against  others. Resource depletion. Border walls. Gang violence..war

stopped – all humans will respond to restraint preventing them from freedom. Expression of free will 

Rage circuit

Anger starts from AHEN (acronym)

A = Anger emerges from 


E = Expectations not met

N = NEEDS not met

How to use ahen

  • Am I hurt?
  • Did something happen here that made me feel undervalued? 
  • Why the hurt? Did I have Expectations not met? Was it a realistic expectation?
  • Is it life changing? 
  • Was it a reasonable expectation? Did I have needs that were not met? 

When the person we needed to most feel safe did something to make us question that safety… we need a community that loves us silly and makes us feel safe.

Anger provides the energy for change the anger we don’t allow to express acknowledge makes us sick

Managing anger, communicating anger and exercising forgiveness.

Riding the wave technique

Think of each emotion as a wave crashing on the shore

We can’t stop them from coming.

Experience your feelings. You are not your feelings. They are something you experience.

Develop an understanding with your feelings. Just accept its existence.

Acknowledging anger. Admitting and owning through emotional state. “I feel” statement.

Focusing on our victimhood strengthens the perpetrator abuser for years after .

If we instead focus on our capacity for survival and overcoming adversity it lessons the power those people have over us.

Let’s SOLVE your problem. Get out of your emotional mind and into a cerebral analysis.






physiological anger responses.


Physical body

Singing. Come up with a story of anger.

Humor. Genuine silliness 

Intentional breathing exercises

Mindfulness meditation

Mantra Meditation 

Yoga tai chi chi jong 

Mindfulness meditation works on everyone 

Forgiveness is selfish as fuck. Nothing wrong with selfishness and demonstrating self care. 

Use that energy to go change the world in bad-ass ways.

It’s not about eating shit to keep the peace

It’s about holding stronger boundaries in the future.

How do you know there is something to forgive?

Do you find yourself stuck in the story of the event? 

Do you focus on the negative feelings from the past versus the great feelings you experience now

Your past does not have to be your identity.

Episodic forgiveness 

2. Feel your anger and pain and share that story with someone safe. “We can’t forgive what we can’t acknowledge” … don’t spiritual bypass by saying things like “everything happens for a reason”… Recognise, acknowledge and work through. Have self-compassion

1. Ceremony. Hold ceremony to let go.

3. Find the helpers and the givers, not the enablers.. B around people 

4. Consider the attribution process. Find the non-personal in the circumstances. We tend to see that we were good despite our errors but see others behaviors as caused by their core badness. Become curious like a social scientist – 

5. Be specific about what happened to you.

6. Justice has nothing to do with forgiveness.

7. Don’t mix forgiveness with reconciliation. Just because your 

Forgive the deed but REMEMBER the lesson.

Episode 11 – The 5am Club

Who is Robin Sharma?

Studied law at Harvard Law school. Works as a self-development coach and author.

The 5am Club with Robin Sharma

Why read the 5am club?

If you are looking to enhance your routine, take your life to the next level, improve your efficiency, creativity, productivity in the way you run your daily schedule then 5am might be the book for you.

The book is somewhat lengthy and probably uses a lot of unnecessary story telling to present its gems – however the gems are still there to be had or considered anyhow.

What were the key takeaways?

The book discusses the importance of leading a balanced life to truly attain success in your life. You may be wealthy but have no one to share it with, you may be healthy but be poor and have no money to afford things, you may have a positive mindset but not take action to make things happen in your life.

Sharma proposes 4 main pillars of life that all need to be nourished in order to attain true success and satisfaction in life as follows:

Mindset which is about cultivating a psychology of possibility. Realising that with everything that ever happens in your life you have a choice to own your perception of it and look for the opportunities in every situation whether it feels comfortable or not.

Heartset is about your emotional life. Recognising that you won’t win at life if your heart is heavy with anger, resentment or sorrow. When striving to uplevel, improve your life, it is important to start from an inspired, open loving place. “unexpressed emotions will never die” they will only come to light later in uglier ways – so it is important to repair, rebuild, reinforce a winning heartset in our lives. This isn’t about removing toxic energy but instead re-focusing on positive energy and gratitude. Whatever you feed grows.

Healthset ­This is about longevity, physical health, vitality. Exercising every day dramatically increases your joy and experience of that day and of your life. Being healthy, feeling good about yourself, feeling good within your skin.

Soulset Being engaged with your spiritual self and your higher self. This may simply be a matter of meditating daily in the mornings on how you want to show up in the day ahead and reflecting on the fleetingness of life or the service you are here to bring to the world. What gifts do you have to share?

One of the key elements of the 5am club is engaging with the process of greatness. Sharma talks about scientific studies showing that great achievers or people who have completed great feats throughout history have had habits that have led to that greatness. It is about daily practice, sweating the small stuff, making sure every detail in everything you do reflects you, reflects who you are or who you are becoming and what you bring to the world around you.

“most people take the limit of their vision to be the limit of their world, few do not”…

Better awareness = better daily choices = better daily results

How do we improve our habits? How do we instal better habits?

It’s your habits not your talent. The strength of your grit and determination, not the strength of your talent that equals a great performer.

Real power is different to fake power. Fake power = assets, money, glitter, shine,

Real Power = never comes from anything external. Genuine power doesn’t arise from your possessions or appearance, it expresses itself when you contact your original gifts and life your life by principles of good habit such as: self-discipline, honesty, integrity.

Cultivate character – honouring inherent vision, usefulness, helpfulness.

To lead is to serve.

Rumi “Give up the drop, become the ocean”

Activate your gifts and become the hero of your life.

Code in a good morning routine.

“Own your morning, elevate your life” – 5am

Remove distractions from your life. Switch off your phone, leave it outside of your sleeping area at night. Go to bed earlier.

Rise early at 5am and complete the 20/20/20 formula which is 20 minutes of reflection or meditation, 20 minutes of physical exercise and 20 minutes of reading or nourishing your mind with something new, inspiring, improving of your soul, your heart of your mind.

Sharma suggests it takes 66 days to instal a new habit, the first 22 days will be hard, the second 22 days will feel messy and the final 22 days will be gorgeous.

If you stick it out for 66 days and know that with some elbow grease you will see yourself through to someplace better and giving yourself that extra time will put you miles in front of other people.

The other really important aspect was rewarding yourself. When you get up early to reward yourself with a piece of dark chocolate at lunch or some other treat that will motivate you to keep going!

Practical application – reality testing

Overall I found this book to be enriching – though maybe it could have used a lot less words to express the same thing. It is still inspiring and I am always looking to be inspired.

By placing the concepts in the forefront of my mind I have managed to start waking up earlier, eat less, increase exercise and become more focused on being here and now.

I think you have to be realistic and practical about what works for your life. In the 20/20/20 formula Sharma places exercise first. Personally, because of where I live I often find it easier to do work or reflection for an hour in the morning and then physical exercise and then do something inspiring.

If nothing else, it is good to focus on the intention to improve your life and to take tangible steps towards making it happen at every opportunity possible.

In general I am a fan of Robin Sharma’s work and find his suggestions insightful, practical and improves my focus and mindset about where I am going and how I am improving in my life.

Episode 7 – Peace Is Every Step

By Thich Nhat Hanh

“If only it were so simple! If only there were evil people somewhere insidiously committing evil deeds, and it were necessary only to separate them from the rest of us and destroy them. But the line dividing good and evil cuts through the heart of every human being. And who is willing to destroy a piece of his own heart? ”

by Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn
The Gulag Archipelago

This week’s podcast is inspired by current conflicts arising around the world. Tensions are high globally. We are experiencing war, global supply chain issues, increasing natural disaster, rising petrol prices and increased living expenses.

How do we find the calm within the storm? How do we stay grounded when everything around us seems to be falling a part?

This week we are taking inspiration from master psychologist and world renown buddhist monk the late Thich Nhat Hanh.

Who is Thich Nhat Hanh?

Thích Nhất Hạnh was born as Nguyen Xuan Bao; October 11, 1926 – January 22, 2022) was a Vietnamese Thiền Buddhist monk, peace activist, prolific author, poet, teacher, and founder of the Plum Village Tradition, historically recognized as the main inspiration for engaged Buddhism. Known as the “father of mindfulness”,[4] Nhất Hạnh was a major influence on Western practices of Buddhism.

In the mid-1960s, Nhất Hạnh co-founded the School of Youth for Social Services and created the Order of Interbeing.[3] He was exiled from Vietnam in 1966 after expressing opposition to the war. In 1967, Martin Luther King Jr. nominated him for a Nobel Peace Prize.

Source: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Th%C3%ADch_Nh%E1%BA%A5t_H%E1%BA%A1nh

Book: Peace is Every Step

Transforming feelings

The first step is to recognise each feeling. For example fear. Take out the fear, look at the fear. You know the fear springs from yourself. Mindfulness also springs from yourself. They are both in and not fighting.

Step 2 is to become one with the feeling. It is best not to say ‘go away fear, I don’t like you, go away’. It is much more effective to say ‘hello fear, how are  you today?’ and then you can invite the two aspects of yourself – mindfulness and fear to shake hands as friends and become one.

This may be scary but you know that you are more than your fear. The secret is to nourish your mindfulness with conscious breathing and keep it there so that it remains strong.

Although your mindfulness may not be very strong in the beginning, if you nourish it. It will become stronger.

Step 3 is to calm the feeling. As mindfulness is taking good care of the fear you begin to calm it down. You calm your feeling just by being with it, like a mother tenderly holding her crying baby. Feeling his mothers hold the baby will stop crying and calm down.

The mother is mindfulness, born from the depth of your consciousness and it will tend to the feelings of pain. A mother holding a baby is one with the baby. A mother focusing on other things will not calm her baby.

You need to drop everything else and just focus on holding the baby.

Do avoid your feeling. Do not tell your feeling it is not important. Come and be one with your feeling, you can say “breathing out I calm my fear”.

Step 4 is to release your feeling. Let it go. Because of your calm. Smile at it and let it go.

Calming releasing are just SYMPTOMS. Don’t stop there.

You now have the opportunity to go deeper and transform the source of your fear.

Step 5 – Look Deeply. Look into your baby deeply, even after the crying has stopped. You cannot hold your baby all the time therefore you need to look into him to see the cause of what is wrong. By looking you will see that is suffering has many causes inside and outside of his body.

By looking you will see what is needed to transform the feeling.

If something is wrong around him, if you put that in order – bringing tenderness and care to the situation, he will feel better. 

Looking into your baby, you see the elements that make him cry and when you see them you will know what to do and what not to do to set him free.

This is similar to the process of psychotherapy.

A therapist looks at the nature of the pain.

Often the therapist can uncover sources of pain that stem from the way the patient looks at things.

The beliefs he holds about himself, his culture and the world.

The therapist examines these view points and beliefs with the patient.

Together they help free him from the prison he has been in.

But the patients effort is crucial. The teacher has to give birth to the teacher within his student.

And the psychotherapist has to give birth to the psychotherapist within his patient.

The patients internal psychotherapist can then work full time in an effective way.

The therapist does not treat the patient by simply giving him another set of beliefs.

She tries to help him see which kinds of ideas and beliefs have led to his suffering.

Many patients want to get rid of their painful feelings but they do not want to get rid of their beliefs.

Their viewpoints are at the very roots of their feelings.

So the therapist and the patient have to work together so they see things as they are.

The same is true when we use mindfulness to transform our feelings.

After recognising the feeling, becoming one with it, calming it down, releasing it – we can look deeply into its causes which are often based on inaccurate perceptions.

As soon as we understand the causes and nature of our feelings they begin to transform themselves.

Mindfulness of anger

Anger is unpleasant feeling. It is like a flame burning out of control that causes us to say and do things that we regret later.

When someone is angry we can see clearly someone is abiding in hell. Anger and hatred are materials from which hell is made. A mind without anger is calm cool and safe.

A mind absent of anger is the basis of happiness. It’s the basis of love and compassion.

Our awareness of our anger does not suppress it or drive it out.

When we are angry we are not inclined to turn to ourselves.

We can say to ourselves:

“Breathing in, I know that anger is in me.

Breathing out, I know that I am my anger.

If we follow our breathing closely while we identify our anger it can no longer monopolise our consciousness.

Awareness can be called upon to be a companion for our anger.

Our awareness of our anger does not suppress it or drive it out.

Mindfulness is not a judge. It is more like an older sister caring for her younger sister in an affectionate and caring way.

We can concentrate on our breathing to know ourselves fully. When we are angry, we are not usually inclined to return to ourselves. 

We want to think about the person who is making us angry. We want to think about his hateful aspects, his rudeness, dishonesty, cruelty, maliciousness, etc. The more we think about him, look at him or listen to him – the more our anger flares.

This anger may be real, imagined or fantasy but in fact, the root of the problem is the anger itself.

We have to come back and look first of all inside ourselves. It is better if we do not listen to or look at the person we consider to be the cause of our anger. Like a fireman, we have to pour water on the blaze first and not waste time looking at the one who set the house on fire.

“Breathing in, I know that I am angry.

Breathing out, I know that I must put all my energy into caring for my anger.”

So we refrain from thinking about the other person or saying or doing anything as long as the anger persists. 

When we are angry, we are the anger itself. We can be aware the anger is within us, it is an energy – a waste like a compost heap. We know the compost can be transformed into beautiful flowers.

We may see the compost and flowers as opposite but when we look deeply we see that the flowers already exist in the compost. And… the compost already exists in the flowers.

It only takes a couple of weeks for a flower to decompose. When a good organic gardener looks into her compost she can see that and does not feel disgusted. Instead she values the rotting material and does not discriminate against it. It takes only a few months for compost to give birth to flowers.

We need the insight and non-dual vision of the gardener with regard to our anger. We need not be afraid of it or reject it.

We know that anger can be a kind of compost and that it is within its power to give birth to something beautiful.

Gradually we can transform anger completely into peace, love, and understanding.

Check the book out here: https://www.amazon.com/Peace-Is-Every-Step-audiobook/dp/B00WY7MELU