with Faith G Harper
Faith G Harper is a counsellor, therapist, hypnotherapist.
Anger is normal and there to give you an important message. Are you listening?
9 anger triggers
–life threatening– fight for your lie.
–insult, disrespect – when we perceive disruption of social order, who threatens our status
–family – we will all protect our family
-environment– we are all wired to protect our territory
–mate – in order to have children, build a legacy we need a mate. It is natural to want to protect your mate.
–order in society – our survival is interdependent on social order, social system. People who rock the boat trigger a fear response=they
–resources – humans will go to great lengths to protect their resources
–tribe – people will protect their people against others. Resource depletion. Border walls. Gang violence..war
– stopped – all humans will respond to restraint preventing them from freedom. Expression of free will
Anger starts from AHEN (acronym)
A = Anger emerges from
H = HURT
E = Expectations not met
N = NEEDS not met
How to use ahen
- Am I hurt?
- Did something happen here that made me feel undervalued?
- Why the hurt? Did I have Expectations not met? Was it a realistic expectation?
- Is it life changing?
- Was it a reasonable expectation? Did I have needs that were not met?
When the person we needed to most feel safe did something to make us question that safety… we need a community that loves us silly and makes us feel safe.
Anger provides the energy for change the anger we don’t allow to express acknowledge makes us sick
Managing anger, communicating anger and exercising forgiveness.
Riding the wave technique
Think of each emotion as a wave crashing on the shore
We can’t stop them from coming.
Experience your feelings. You are not your feelings. They are something you experience.
Develop an understanding with your feelings. Just accept its existence.
Acknowledging anger. Admitting and owning through emotional state. “I feel” statement.
Focusing on our victimhood strengthens the perpetrator abuser for years after .
If we instead focus on our capacity for survival and overcoming adversity it lessons the power those people have over us.
Let’s SOLVE your problem. Get out of your emotional mind and into a cerebral analysis.
S – STATE YOUR PROBLEM. DETAIL SPECIFICALLY
O – OUTLINE YOUR RESPONSE. USUAL RESPONSE. WHO WHAT WHERE WHY WHEN HOW
L – LIST ALL YOUR POSSIBLE SOLUTIONS. ALTERNATIVE SOLUTIONS. COME UP
V – VISUALISE YOUR CIRCUMSTANCES. CONSEQUENCES. WHAT ARE ALL THE LONG AND SHORT TERM OUTCOMES.
E – EVALUATE YOUR RESULTS. WHAT ARE THE CONSEQUENCES? DO YOU NEED TO REASSESS
physiological anger responses.
Singing. Come up with a story of anger.
Humor. Genuine silliness
Intentional breathing exercises
Yoga tai chi chi jong
Mindfulness meditation works on everyone
Forgiveness is selfish as fuck. Nothing wrong with selfishness and demonstrating self care.
Use that energy to go change the world in bad-ass ways.
It’s not about eating shit to keep the peace
It’s about holding stronger boundaries in the future.
How do you know there is something to forgive?
Do you find yourself stuck in the story of the event?
Do you focus on the negative feelings from the past versus the great feelings you experience now
Your past does not have to be your identity.
2. Feel your anger and pain and share that story with someone safe. “We can’t forgive what we can’t acknowledge” … don’t spiritual bypass by saying things like “everything happens for a reason”… Recognise, acknowledge and work through. Have self-compassion
STRATEGIES FOR FORGIVENESS
1. Ceremony. Hold ceremony to let go.
3. Find the helpers and the givers, not the enablers.. B around people
4. Consider the attribution process. Find the non-personal in the circumstances. We tend to see that we were good despite our errors but see others behaviors as caused by their core badness. Become curious like a social scientist –
5. Be specific about what happened to you.
6. Justice has nothing to do with forgiveness.
7. Don’t mix forgiveness with reconciliation. Just because your
Forgive the deed but REMEMBER the lesson.